|Posted on January 3, 2017 at 2:15 AM|
Your Relationships are a REFLECTION of YOU!
Relationships really can cause so many different emotions. How we interact with others and how we perceive that they are interacting with us can often make or break us emotionally in any given moment. Especially so, if we are particularly close to that person and are dependent in some way on them for their love and validation.
Why do relationships feel so challenging at times? What is really at the heart of some of the pointless arguments and conflicts that we get into at times? Even if it is a silent muttering under the breath!
What sparks the deeper emotional reaction in us?
It is fear. Fear that we are not enough, and therefore we won’t be loved. Fear that we have failed or disappointed someone in some way and that we will be “outcast” or at the very least ignored for a while, whilst that person has withdrawn their love and affection, as they are reeling from their own emotional reaction around what they’ve also just experienced. This can really cause a cascade effect that can really unravel even the best of relationships.
Unless we can stop in the MOMENT and ask our self a new question, “What else could this mean?”
We are so quick to take things personally and believe that someone is angry or upset with us. Our subconscious mind decides 5 seconds faster than we can consciously think, what this event means, based on old files from past experiences. This only further entrenches our unresourceful beliefs about people, relationships and our self, based on our perceptions of our experiences from ages 0-7.
(A bit tricky to figure out what things mean at that age, isn’t it!?!)
Once we really get to dive deep into relationships and start to consciously question the reason why we have such a heightened emotional response to them, it can really begin to free up long standing issues. We can start to express at a deep heart felt level what is really going on for us, and better yet listen to others sharing from their heart without the need to jump in and defend ourselves or our actions. It creates a much DEEPER bond and builds essential TRUST between both people.
From what I’ve noticed the most both personally, but also with many clients is that what causes the greatest issues in relationships is misunderstood intentions.
We can sometimes believe that a person intentionally meant to hurt us. That when they were late, it meant that they didn’t care about us. When they didn’t call, they forgot us, because we’re not important. We take things so personally, even when it is NOTHING TO DO WITH US!
Ever been late? Did it mean you didn’t care about the other person? If anything you were probably feeling bad or guilty for being late.
Ever not called someone when you said that you would? Were you caught up in your own things that were going on at the time? No doubt you wanted to reach out to them as soon as you could.
This is where the fights break out, because someone is accusing someone of an underlying misunderstood intention, and the other is vehemently defending their intention. Both parties, generally want the same outcome, to feel loved, appreciated and understood. However whilst both are busy defending their actions, neither is really listening to HOW the other person is FEELING!
Until heartfelt understanding happens, feelings will be hurt, and the issue will not be resolved at the deepest heartfelt level, it will be stored as another hurt and resentment that is held onto perhaps in angry silence, that will continue to corrode the relationship. Until it is rectified through understanding.
I have so much gratitude for all of my relationships, especially the challenging ones, for they teach me so much about myself. How I am showing up, what beliefs I still have that don’t serve me, what I most dislike about myself, or what is yet to be healed and transformed inside of me. Not to mention so much love, fun and playfulness when things are understood, healed and transformed.
Whether it is a relationship with a family member, a friend, a client, a work colleague or a person that you haven’t even met, how you interact with them and how they interact with you (which is really your own perception of what they are or aren’t doing) can really TELL you so much about yourself if you are willing to see it.
We are constantly attracting things and situations into our life with our thoughts and beliefs. We are constantly projecting our own rules and beliefs onto others, believing that they should be doing it “our way”. Ever been really irritated by someone? What you dislike the most in them, is what you dislike the most in yourself. Anytime we say “they should or shouldn’t……” we are PROJECTING our own rules about how we believe they should be living onto them. This is why our relationships are our GREATEST MIRROR. It’s like holding up a big mirror, showing you all the parts that you don’t like about YOU!
We all have those parts, that we dislike – our shadow side. Perhaps it’s our lazy side, our fearful or anxious side, our angry or spiteful side, our disorganised side. However when we are only loving our action side, our confident, loving and organised side and dismissing the rest with angry contempt, this is CONDITIONAL LOVE and it’s this that we project onto others. Until we can fall in love with all parts of our self, we will always react with others about what we dislike the most in our self when we notice that in their behaviour.
This is why SELF-LOVE is the MOST IMPORTANT work you will ever do! Because your RELATIONSHIP with yourself AFFECTS all other relationships!
Most of the time we are too busy defending, justifying, trying to convince others of our actions or how we are right, to be able to stop and consciously get the lesson or the learning from the interaction.
The next time that you have a challenging situation in a relationship, ask yourself the following questions;
“What else could this mean?”
“What else is happening for this person?”
“What need are they trying to meet? Is it love? Appreciation, Certainty, Security?”
“What else could this mean? What do I need to heal or love in me, so that this no longer irritates me?”
Have fun and be playful with this, laughter can really help to ease a tense situation and the more you can be honest, real and express what’s really happening for you from your heart in a loving, compassionate way, the more miracles you will experience in your relationships.
Love Sal xox
If you are feeling challenged in your personal relationships and you know that it’s time you took care of you, then The Authentic Happiness Program is for you! Check it out by clicking on the Web Store tab above. xo